C, my husband has a job which basically takes over all of our lives. The nature of his work means he has to go away quite often; sometimes overseas to countries which you would probably never consider visiting yourself. We live over 100 miles away from “home” where I grew up and most of my family live. We live here because this is where his job is. We get no say in the matter and every year, sometimes every other year if we are lucky, we have to move to the other side of the country and start all over again. Don’t get me wrong, I do like moving and experiencing different places. It has certainly been quite the adventure. But because of this it is difficult for me to secure decent employment…
Back in 2005 after I recovered from quite a horrific self inflicted illness (that is another post for another day) I went back to college. I was full of hope and excited to get back into education. I actually did really well and after the two year course had ended I went on to University. I was the first person in my family to go to Uni and that was a thrill in itself. I had my heart set on my dream job and I was going to change the world. In between the drinking and the socialising and the drug use and the binge watching DVD box sets with my housemates, I didn’t do as well as I could have with my grades. But I didn’t care! I had so much fun along the way, learning life lessons and making THE best friends, that graduating with a 2:2 honours degree was one of my proudest moments up to that point. Not only did I graduate with a 2:2, I also graduated with a teeny tiny human growing inside me. That human turned out to be D.
D was not planned. And whilst I was sat at home literally eating for two and slowly growing to resemble a weeble I had an idea. I had decided that I would be sooooo bored just sitting at home with a baby. I wouldn’t be able to change the world just yet so I had better put my “free time” to good use and start my Masters’ degree…
I did my Masters part time, distance learning over two years. It meant that people wouldn’t see me as “just a mum”. Ha! I was doing a Masters’ don’t you know!! During this time I started working full time aswell. It was an admin job which I hated but we needed the money because now J was on the way!
Somehow I managed to complete my Masters’ with a Merit. I was overwhelmed and so stupidly proud of myself. It still remains one of my greatest achievements in life.
The boys were still very little at this point and I was no longer working. C’s unpredictable working hours and locations, coupled with the cost of childcare with no family or friends around to help, meant that we would actually LOSE money if I was to go back to work. Yeah… try working that one out. So I went on maternity leave to have J in 2012 and never went back to work until last year.
Last October I got a part time job to get some extra money and to try and keep myself from losing even more marbles. I am not doing my dream job or even working towards it, and I am definitely not changing the world. I am working for a leading supermarket where I get paid minimum wage. The people I work with are brilliant. Well most of them are! But it is embarrassing when people ask me where I work (even if I’m in uniform!) and I hate to say it but I feel as if the job is beneath me.
Somewhere along the way I have lost sight of the goal I had back in 2005. And somewhere along the way I have lost the girl who was going to change the world.